Seeing your Shadow

When I created my business, I chose to work with Light. "Core Light" represents the inner wisdom, energy, and divinity we all carry.  My name, Apollo, was chosen in part because of the association with the light of the Sun. But to heal and awaken on this planet, to support growth and transformation, light alone is insufficient. We also need to have the courage to step into the darkness of our own beings, and engage with the mysteries of Shadow.

Shadow is a mythic term. It's the primordial darkness, the things we cannot see. In Jungian psychology terms, it's all those parts of our self that we've disowned, and cut ourselves off from; but we still carry them, and sometimes they drive us. In the poet Robert Bly's treatment, shadow is "the long black bag we drag behind us". The things we've relegated to shadow are things we don't want to look at - things that are embarrassing, or don't match our idea of who we are. But if we don't engage with it, if we leave it unconscious, it pops up in our lives and personalities in unexpected ways. Also, there's gold lying in the darkness. Reconciling with those disowned parts of ourselves can bring us to a new level of wholeness, integration, and peace.

What's frustrating about working with shadow material is simply that we can't see it directly. (Everyone else may be able to see it...) By it's very nature it's something that's invisible to us.  But there are ways to recognize shadow indirectly.  Here are...

The Top Three Ways to Recognize Shadow in your Life

3. "You spot it, you got it!"  If you find someone else irritating, as you move through your day, if something they do just *bugs* you, it's most likely because they're doing something that you've put in your shadow. Maybe someone's habitually late, and it *bugs* you because you choose to be very conscientious about being on time. Conversely, maybe someone bugs you because they're just so *together* about their life, business practices, or fitness; this can be very annoying, but it's also a really useful pointer that you may have put some of your own effectiveness in the shadow.

2. Self-sabotage. "Why did I say that to my partner last night?" "How did I manage to screw up that deal?" "Why did I blow all that time on TV when I'm on a deadline?" When we do something unexpected that undercuts something really important to us, chances are good that shadow is involved. Shadow parts of ourselves often take on the role of risk manager. When we want to take a step forward on something that's really important - a job interview, starting a relationship with someone we're attracted to, an opportunity to write or speak in a venue that matters to us - there's a part of us that wants to keep us safe through not taking the risk. One of the strategies shadow uses is doing something to spoil things up-front. Maybe we make a dismissive comment to our partner to create distance, because our shadow is feeling too vulnerable and exposed right now. Maybe we blow the deadline on writing, or do a rush job, so that our best writing and truest self aren't put out where they can be seen and judged.

1. Thoughts and judgements that don't match our values. When we're young, often during our teen years, we choose the values that matter to us. Maybe freedom; maybe inclusivity or tolerance; maybe economic equality. Later in life, we may notice thoughts coming up that seem counter to these values. I place a huge value on individual self-determination, and yet from time to time I notice some very biting judgements coming up in my thoughts about the decisions my friends make about their lives. I don't express them, indeed I dismiss them as unworthy, but my friends feel them anyway. (My wife is much more attuned to these shadow judgements than I am; she feels them in me even when I don't know I'm carrying them.) These thoughts come from the pieces of myself I've put in shadow; because I chose to value self-determination so much, I cut myself off from the part of me that evaluates the wisdom of the decisions of the people around me. It keeps on going, though! It's judging the heck out of everyone; they feel it, on a subtle level, and then I have these "unworthy" thoughts.

There is a way forward with shadow. Ultimately it's about recognizing the value of the shadow parts of ourselves, and inviting them back into the light of consciousness. Then our shadow impulse of judgement can become a valued part of our discrimination; or our shadow impulse of disconnection from our partner can be expressed as an honest fear which can lead to greater connection when shared. With each piece we reclaim, we become more whole, integrated, and able to get what we want in our lives.

Because of the many rules, expectations, and mixed messages our society has around sexuality, this is an area rife with shadow.  These shadows can interfere with our relationships and sexual expression in many different ways.  I've had times in my life where my sex drive was pretty much shut down by shadow, and other times where it's come forward in ways that I haven't been proud of.  As I've gradually healed and integrated these shadow pieces, I've come into a healthier relationship both with my partner and with my own sexuality.  This has helped me to feel happier, more integrated, and certainly more complete as a man.

In mid-November, I'll be co-facilitating a week-long retreat with the Divine Feminine Institute to look at the connections between Shadow, Spirit, and Sexuality. We'll be using shadow integration techniques to support the healing and awakening of ourselves as spiritual and sexual beings. This is an amazing opportunity for you to get the support you need to show up sexually healthy in your relationships. I hope you can join us. Go to the Spirit and Shadow page to get more information and register.