Qualities of the Authentic Lover

Last Fall, Ed Fell and I introduced "The Authentic Lover: Intimacy, Sexuality, and Relationship Mastery skills for Men", and we led our first weekend workshop in January. This is really rich work, and we know we've just begun to tap the expansion and depth that's possible in men's work around these issues.

As part of this work, I had to examine a core question - "What is the Authentic Lover?"  We looked at this in the workshop as well.  Here is some of what we've found as the answer - with more to come as this archetype develops over time!

Respect

• The Authentic Lover knows and respects his own needs, boundaries, and desires.

• Whatever the challenges of the world and his relationship, he does not abandon himself!

• He seeks to understand the needs, boundaries, and desires of his partner, and respects those as well.

Sensuality

• The Authentic Lover honors his own body.

• He values and welcomes pleasure as a part of his divine birthright, and as an integral part of the practice of intimacy.

• He initiates intimate connection with his partner.

Responsibility

• The Authentic Lover is honest with his parter about his own experience.

• He is accountable for his mistakes, and also willing to forgive himself for them.

• He notices his moods when they arise, and takes responsibility for resolving them.

• He commits to maintaining honesty, integrity, and transparency unconditionally - no matter what mood he is in.

Vulnerability

• The Authentic Lover is willing to surrender his pride - anytime and anywhere that it serves his truth and his intimate connections.

• He understands that life is play, and is ready to not be so serious.

• He asks for help when he needs it - from his partner, from friends, from the Divine, or from professional resources.

I'd love to hear feedback from men or women on how these qualities sit with you, and what else you think is essential.

The Isolation of Men

My friend Mike committed suicide a couple months ago.

He wasn't alone.  When I went to my men's group that week, the 8 of us present could count 7 different men we collectively knew that had killed themselves in the last month.  In the US, men commit suicide four times as often as women.  Over 30,000 men killed themselves in the United States in 2010.

What's happening here?

We may never be able to understand why a particular person chooses to end their life.  I'll never know what went in to Mike's final decision.  But we can look at the condition of men generally, and see some factors that lead men to be more likely to kill themselves.

Men in our culture are notorious for not asking for help.  When it comes to our problems, we have a powerful tendency to try to figure it all out on our own.  When I was depressed in my teens, and had sexual issues around age 30, this was very much my M/O. I had different theories each week of what was going on with me, and how to fix it.  But it wasn't until I sought out therapy in each case that I really began to shift the problem.

This tendency shows up strongly in the statistics on depression, as compared with suicide.  Typical depression statistics show that it impacts women twice as often as men; and yet, men are committing suicide 4 times as often.  What accounts for this?  Depression statistics cannot measure men who don't talk about their depression - who aren't seeking counseling help, or help from their family or friends.  So I would imagine that there are hundreds of thousands of men in the USA right now who are struggling with depression and choosing to have those struggles on their own.

And there's so much help available.  There are men who have been in a similar place, and can hear about what's going on without judging you as dangerous or inadequate.  There are counselors, coaches, self-help programs, and transformational workshops that can directly address and shift this sort of pattern.  As an initiate of the Mankind Project, I know that I always have my weekly MKP meeting to bring forward any pattern that isn't serving me.

What will it take for men to open up about our suffering?  What will it take for you to open up about yours?  Here's an exercise: write down one issue in your life - emotional, sexual, financial, whatever - that you've been suffering alone on.  Then make a list of at least three resources that are available to help you with that issue.  Once that's done, ask yourself - why are you choosing to suffer alone?  Sit with this question for a while, until you get a really clear answer.  Next question - would it be beneficial for you to get support?  If the answer's yes, make a choice between the resources you listed and go ask for help right away.  You have nothing to lose but your isolation.

PS - to take it to the next level - if you want to inspire others and yourself in a bigger way - post your answers to the above questions in the comments section below!